2012

Tonight I don't want to talk about my day. One nothing interesting really happened I mostly just slept, but two I want to just write about how my year went last year overall and who was the only one who helped me to get through it. At the beginning of the year I found out the guy I was dating for almost 5 years ended up cheating on me. The night I found out it felt like my world had ended, time seemed to stand still. The first thing I did was look to God. I stayed up the entire night praying to him and begging him to please get me through it. By the next day I felt just a bit better, but it was great to stay up the entire night letting out all my emotions to him. Surprisingly enough it only took me about a month to get over him. By February I started liking this other guy. February 6th we started going out and I didn't realize then like I do now what a huge mistake that was. Although it was good for me to date him because I learned a lot, and I learned about myself more and who I truly am. Anyway about a week later I finally told about my uncle and what he was doing to me. It was one of the hardest things I had to go through in my life, I was scared of tearing my family apart. I hadn't planned of telling anybody a certain day it just sorta happened. The weekend right before I did I just couldn't take it anymore I couldn't stand him anymore... I never could stand him but he just made me snap finally. He told my dad and brother I was sleeping with the guy, I lied about spending the night at my best friend Daphnee's and instead went to his place. I was furious not only that but he wouldn't leave me alone when I got back. He followed me everywhere. So Monday... well things all went wrong. I was sent to the deans office because these girls told them I was drunk. They said they were going to call my grandpa up and come get me. When he got to the school I decided now is when I need to say what has been going on. Of course I did and that whole week was just, it seemed like the longest week of my life. But the thing is, I handled the entire situation a heck of a lot better then anybody else in my family did. Everyone was breaking down furious at me and at him, nobody knew who was telling the truth. I broke apart thinking everybody hates me now and I am no longer apart of the family, but the who was there for me throughout it all was God. I prayed and prayed to him. He got me through that week, I stayed strong for my family and I stayed strong for myself. By the end of the week it was Friday morning before school my dad told me he had something to talk to me about. He parked the car, and let it out that he planned to kill himself later that day. Now for all of those who read this and have been through the same thing you know what it feels like but for those who it hasn't happened to... I pray that it doesn't. I held my cool when he told me, I just I didn't know what to say to it. He tried to a couple years before then but I thought he was over that. I told him I had to get to class so for the first time in a really long time he told me he loved me and we hugged. As soon as I got into the building I fell apart.... Every single day after that I was worried he was going to hurt himself, I kept talking to him telling him none of this was his fault and I prayed to God that he would know he's not to blaim. Oh I forgot to mention when all of this was going on my dad hadn't accepted Christ into his heart yet. Anyway that week was a mess and now you all know. About a week later everyone in the school found out about my uncle and my dad... beware of who your friends are, it seems like nowadays the only one you can trust really is God. Anyway I had so many people walk up to me and tell me I made it all up for attention, all I wanted was to be noticed. They had no understanding of what I was going through. This one time at lunch 3 girls came up to me and just started snapping about everything, they told me who it was that started saying it to everyone. I tried holding my cool but once the bell rang I through my stuff against the wall and ran out. I didn't want to be apart of that school any longer. I hated Limestone and to be honest I still can't stand it, I'm only there for my education then to get the heck out. Anyway my grandpa came and picked me up that day and I missed school for about a week or so. We were thinking about having me go to Richwoods instead, but I ended up getting a ton of apology messages from people, and I realized it'll be even worse if I try to avoid the problem then face it. So I went back to school, and after a couple months or so nobody talked about it anymore. By the end of the school year I was all happy and just it felt like things were getting back to normal. Not only that but I moved like just a hike away from my now ex boyfriend. Things were great....in June my aunt Aletha called me up and told me her church was needing volunteers for vbs. I remember doing it at my old church that I said I would love to come and help out, it was a ton of fun!! I love working with kids so much, not only that but my first day there I saw Tim and I got all excited. We hardly ever talked much but it was great seeing someone I knew, then I saw Melody was there to. We only talked Freshmen year but I thought this is awesome. I heard about camp that was only 3 days later. It sounded like a ton of fun and a great way for me to meet new people and make more friends. So I signed up to go, and of course you all know about that week and when I got back my dad accepted Christ in his heart. It was amazing!! That was until a couple weeks later when I came home and I got a call from his boss saying he was in the hospital. I wasn't worried because I thought he only had a heatstroke or something, I remembered him having one before and he was alright. I got a phone call from my grandpa though and he said that my dad wasn't right, I could hear him in the background talking jibberish and when I got off the phone with my grandpa I just burst into tears... I had no idea what was going on. He was then transferred to the mental facility place at the top of the hospital. He was there for about a week or so and finally got to come back home. He still wasn't right though... after awhile though he was fine again. I went back home and everyday I would go and hang out with my boyfriend and Daphnee. It was a giant mistake... hanging out with them I got into smoking and of course drinking. It was my only escape away from reality it felt like, I mean I felt all happy and there was nothing to worry about when I did. Until one night I got so drunk that well something happened... and after that I realized am I really doing this? This isn't who I am, this is completely stupid. Partying and getting drunk is completely stupid! I asked God for forgiveness and tried talking to him, but a couple days later it felt like he didn't exist again.. I spent more time focusing on a stupid guy then on him or anything else for that matter. My dad kept going back into the hospital and we ended up having fight after fight and instead of going to God to help me, I tried dealing with things myself. At the beginning of August is when things really hit the negatives. There was a night I woke up and I heard my dad talking to himself.. but it wasn't just a person talking to himself it was 3 different of his voices I heard like having a full out conversation. I called up my grandma, brother, and the pastor from our church to come over. They did of course and my grandma is atheist and she started cussing at the pastor and lets just say it was a huge mess, anyway later on I got to be home alone. My grandma ended up taking my dad back to the hospital and told me I had to stay home, I was devastated at a time like this I can't be alone. That same day Sam promised me he was going to come over and see me. He was gone for a week to his grandparents house and I missed him. He didn't and  So I took off through the woods and headed to his place. As soon as I got there his brother said Kassie come inside Sam is in his room, he's going to be so happy to see you. I knocked on his door and he asked who it was, when he did I popped inside and what I saw made me furious more then I've ever been before. Smoke clouded his room, I saw 2 girls and 6 guys all smoking weed. He didn't get up right away at all, didn't seem to make any care that I was there. Finally he got up and we walked into the hallway. I tried my hardest to keep my cool, when he asked what was wrong I told him what was happening... here's what he says "I'm so stoned right now I really can't help you can I go back with my friends?" With that I stormed out of his place... the time I needed somebody most he wasn't there for me. A good boyfriend would have been there for me and not only that he promised to come over but instead was sitting in his room with a bunch of crap smoking away having a good time. When I got back to the woods I banged my head over and over against a tree, I took a sharp rock to my wrist... at that moment I took all the anger I had and let it out to myself. After enough hurting myself though I finally tried to clear my head, I fell to my knees and I cried to the Lord. I cried and cried, and at that point I realized he is the only one who is there and the only one who will always be there for me, even when you don't deserve it, even when you sin so much against him.. he is there and will be always.... Knowing he was listening brought hope to my heart and it helped me to get back on my feet brush the dirt off and go home. The next day was Friday and my cousin Kelsy was getting married. my dad stayed home, we decided it wasn't a good idea for him to come acting like he was. So instead I went with my other grandparents and stayed with them. I was having a great time and just looked to the sky in the car. Finally for lunch we met up with my aunt Donna, she asked how is your dad doing. I told her oh he's just home... I looked to my grandpa and the look he had I knew something happened. I asked what it was, and he told me somebody found my dad trying to jump off the bridge to kill himself and he was back in the hospital... So much for a happy trip and enjoying a wedding huh? Not only that but Sunday was my birthday, and I hoped so hoped that I would get to go to church and spend it with my friends and have a great day. Instead I had to stay in Wisconsin with my grandparents... I kept checking my facebook to talk to Sam. When he finally got online it was the first time I talked to him since what happened a couple days before... I told him how i felt and what all was going on. The next day it was on my birthday actually I read a message from him saying he can't take it anymore and that it's over between us... my heart broke. Not only was my dad back in the hospital but I just got dumped by the guy I love.. Anyway nothing really happened on my birthday, you can see why I didn't enjoy it too much. Since my dad was still in the hospital I had to stay with my grandparents for a couple more weeks or so. I hoped things would get better once school started but those plans didn't really work out either. Starting the year I skipped 3 days, just walked right out of the building because I was too heartbroken over him and I couldn't stand seeing him in the hallways. Every day though I walked over to his house though and begged for him back, I said I can change and blah blah blah you know the usual stuff. Anyway of course that weekend we got back together, and I forgot all about my relationship with God. Completely did not even bother to hear what he was trying to tell me, or even talk to him. Things got really bad at my grandparents house so I ended up having to stay at Aletha's. Being there I felt so much like family, but I got super homesick. So she let me ride the bus back home and I got to stay there for a couple hours. Anyway it was I believe the last day of September when I went over to Sam's house. I could tell the past week he was going to break up with me again. It got to the point where he wouldn't even hold my hand or nothing, that day it happened like I knew it would. I mean it was me who brought it up, and then he said he didn't love me anymore and what not and hadn't the past month or so now but didn't want to break my heart. Which of course he destroyed it, but didn't care. At first I took it alright but then I got so broken I just gahh I couldn't stand him. Anyway the 3rd of October was homecoming, it was only a couple days before that we broke up. Originally we were going to make a little picnic and snuggle and watch a movie.. that turned to stone so I asked this guy in my accounting class to go with me because I didn't want to be stuck home feeling miserable. Which sounds like a better idea to me now... anyway it was worst night ever. I got food all over my dress, I found out Sam cheated on me, I got in trouble by my uncle Steve, everybody hated me and sent me nasty things later that night on my facebook, and the guy ditched me. As soon as I got to Aletha's is when Steve got mad because i was 15 minutes late, that's what topped it off to break me. I then went to my room, snuggled up in the covers and just cried. Steve tried to cheer me up, and we talked for a bit he was extremely furious that the guy ditched me like that but I was irresponsible and didn't call him up instead... Anyway it was a rough night, and a rough few nights for that matter. Actually it was a rough month altogether. I stopped eating really, and Aletha noticed I lost a lot of weight, I never wanted to be alone because I was lonely and Aletha had to stay with me a lot of the time, at school I didn't pay attention I kept going into the counselor's office... It was rough but after the night of homecoming... is when I really started thinking about Brett and God of course. But I kept thinking to the guy I met at camp during the summer and how he made me feel.... so I decided to talk to him. We of course started talking more and more. And finally in November is when things started to get better, we started going out, I was back home with my dad, and I realized I don't need a lot of friends the one's I do have now I cherish a ton and I know are always there for me. And my faith in Christ has just grown incredibly strong the past couple months that I want to worship his name every day and spread the word of God to everyone. And when I get back from Christmas break my friends and I started a prayer group during lunch :). So things are working great now, and I'm feeling happy a feeling I haven't had in a long time. And to start off my new year I got to be with Brett. And I couldn't have asked for anything more or even a more special night. Thanks to the friends I have, my family, and of course God I can get through anything. That's why I'm not worried about this year, whatever comes my way I'll face it and I know I won't be alone because there is always someone who is there <3. Goodnight.