Thursday, March 26, 2015

Unconditional Love


Dear Readers,
   It has been well a few months since I have last written a post. I am sorry about that. Lately I have been more of a reader and movie watcher then a writer. I haven't known what all to talk about, but lately what's been on my heart is something called unconditional love.
Here we go. So for the past year or so I have been living with my great aunt and uncle in Peoria. It was tough for me at first. I never knew what a family was, and I was also scared. I was also extremely depressed with my dad being put in the hospital a lot. January of last year I, myself, got put into the hospital for depression. It sucked. I was miserable yet happy there. I was miserable because it felt like I was trapped in just a tiny space and I needed to get out. Well I wanted to. It was good I stayed though. I was happy because it was there that got me the help I needed to not be depressed anymore.
I think the thing that really made me realize I had a lot going for me, was when my aunt and uncle; on their anniversary dinner took the time to call me and make sure I was alright. I fell apart. For awhile (and still) they keep teaching me about this thing called "unconditional love". I'm not sure if a lot of you have heard that term before. If you have bravo that's fantastic! But if you haven't then let me sum it up real quick...well as quick as I can make it.
      Unconditional love is the kind of love that a parent should feel for their child. It's the kind of love that no matter what that person does, they are still loved. Like when you disobey your parents but they forgive you and say they still love you. That, is unconditional love. Growing up I've only felt conditional love by many members in my family. I always felt that I had to "be good enough" or "work hard enough" for them to love me. When my aunt and uncle came around they showed me and taught me that no matter what grades I got, or how bad I was they still loved me dearly.
    As a Christian, it's my honor to tell you about the love of Christ. The same love I explained in the above paragraph (the unconditional love part) is the same kind of love God feels for each and every one of us. I'm sure many have heard the story of Christmas about Mary giving birth to baby Jesus. To non-believers it doesn't really mean anything at all, but to Christians, Christmas means a lot. You see God sent Jesus in the form of a baby. Jesus is a king but God sent him to earth as a little innocent baby. Jesus being king also should have a palace and have people bow down to him and do as he says, but Jesus was a servant to the Lord. He helped other people. I'm getting way off track here I know about the unconditional love part, but I'm getting to that soon.
     Jesus, son of God came to seek and save those who were lost. What do I mean by lost? I mean those who didn't know that Jesus was the son of God who came down from heaven to save them were lost. He came to share the word of God. Eventually the people got sick of him... so back in those days they hung people on wooden crosses. Jesus, Innocent, pure, holy man gets chosen to get hanged instead of a thief and murderer. That's where we get Easter from but that's another story for another day, same story just right now I'm supposed to be talking about Unconditional love. Anyway Jesus died for us on that cross and 3 days later he rose again. I'll explain it more tomorrow.
       That marked a huge part in history! Not just Christian history but history for all man kind! People think what's the big deal?! You know all the anger and hatred this world is filled with? Jesus died so those people who hate, those people who kill, those people who do such wrong can be forgiven. That is what unconditional love is. God sent his innocent son to come to earth to die for us so that we can still have a way to get to heaven and be with our creator! God loves us no matter what. If you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to take away your sin, you have been forgiven. But the catch is... you have to believe. God loves each of us unconditionally still (sorry to confuse you), but in order to get to his kingdom you have to believe. God loves each of us and he really does have a plan for our lives! You may not know it yet but someday you will. God designed your life and the days ahead of you for his glory! God loves you! He loves you even for all the wrongs you or I commit, for the anger we hold in our hearts, or the jealousy. HE STILL LOVES US! Like a parent loving his/her child that is how God feels about us! He loves us no matter what and he wants you to make it to his kingdom.
   I apologize for any confusion and for rambling on, but my heart is heavy with the great love of Jesus. I hope that I will keep writing these blogs and they will show the love of Christ in each of them. Thank you for listening. If you have any questions email me at kassiedouglas@gmail.com. I'll be happy to explain it in better detail then this giant blog post xD. Praise be to God and love be with you all! <3

Friday, January 17, 2014

I'm back!! and maybe not for good (;

I haven't done a blog in a few months I know I know... so much has been going on in life that I just sorta gave up writing it. I haven't found the time or the urge to really sit down and type stuff for everyone to read... to catch you up.. well it's too personal to tell to be honest. Life's been hard... extremely hard.. thought things would be better but now it's back to being tough. Emotions all over the place, not knowing what to do with my feelings... If you don't mind though... I may start to tell you my feelings. I'll open up more about whats in my heart. Hope I don't scare anyone off.... I know usually all people want to hear is the positive, they wanna hear the good, once a person starts talking negative people get uninterested or think their just complaining about their life a lot. This isn't that I'm complaining so please don't think that... I'm just opening up and hopefully it'll help my heart to sorta heal...

     To start off I've been feeling very depressed lately... my aunt and counselor just tell me that I'm missing some kind of nutrition or something and that it's not really depression... apparently they've never had it before. Thoughts of ending it all, feelings of sadness,loneliness, and despair. I feel like I'm nothing to my family anymore... I was honest and now it seems they all want nothing to do with me. I feel so alone and heck I feel like I shouldn't even be apart of this family anymore... the only thing i've been looking forward to anymore is the thought of someday I'm gonna have a family of my own. I'll make sure to treat my children with the love and care they need... I have two younger sisters I already act like I'm their mom. I just love helping other people... I don't like to be helped or help myself because it makes me feel selfish... I wanna help other people and for them to be happy.

    Why is life so hard?? I just... I sometimes look to my future and I can't see anything. I am scared I'm not going to graduate or get good enough grades, I'm scared I won't get a job or do good in college. I'm scared to see what my future holds... I'm scared of life in general.. maybe that's why I just wish I could end it.. I'm so scared that I just wanna take my life so I won't have to deal with whatever it does hold..

   I'll try to get back on tomorrow... sorry I haven't been on awhile and sorry for my rambling of stuff that probably means nothing to anybody... goodnight everyone.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

I look at the world and the first thought that comes to my mind is..crap there are a ton of people. I mean really you look at earth like on a little map and stuff and really it doesn't seem that big; but then you think about how many people there are and you wonder how are we fitting? The amazing thing about it is God created each and every one of us to be different. Sure there are people who like the same thing but if you were to actually see what's inside their hearts and their minds we are different. We think different things, we act different ways, we love different things then the average bear. (Just watched a yogi bear commercial). I mean his work is glorious.
    The thing that gets me most is how is God watching over each and every one of us? I mean there are TONS of people but he's doing it. He does watch over us all, he's there for us whether we want him to be or not whether we need him or not. God's looking out for us and he wants us to draw near to him. Growing up I think if I didn't have Christ in my life where would I be? When I ask that so many things pop into my head, but then I turn my thoughts over and I think wow I am one heck of a lucky girl to have the Lord in my life. Because through everything I've been through it's God who's been there for me through it all. I lost a ton of friends growing up and a few family members, but not God. Even when I felt like I didn't deserve him in my life, even when I turned against him and I blamed him for everything bad that happens to me. I look to the Lord and I thank him. I thank him for being my best friend and for everything he does. I thank him for this life he has given me, this life that he chose for me. The person he is making me to be.
     God softened my heart and he made me open my eyes and look at the world in a whole different way. I used to think that everybody was cruel, I couldn't trust a soul, the only thing that would ever happen to me is I'd end up being on the streets as some low life bum begging others for their money. I know I know I'm only 16 and that could still happen (just kidding). But I am making my life the way I want it to be and how God wants it to be. If I never found Christ I wouldn't have met all the wonderful amazing people that are in my life now. He has fulfilled me, given me joy, given me peace, and he has given me the love and the heart to open up to everyone else around me in hopes that more people will accept him into their hearts.
   I found the Lord when I was 6 years old. At the time I didn't know much about who he was really. All I know was that he created me and gave his son up for me so I could go to heaven someday. Getting older and just a little wiser I learned more and more about him, and how he helps people. All it really takes is prayer. Prayer to ask him into your heart, prayer for forgiveness. Prayer is our way to talk to the Lord about our problems and about our struggles. We can talk to him about just every day things for example: This is such beautiful weather Lord, or where did my dog run off to this time God? He does answer your prayers, it may not be at the time you want but it's at the time God wants and he feels is right. You just have to patient and know God has a plan for you and he will answer your prayers but you must wait. God answers our prayers in three different ways: he says yes and gives you what you want, he says not yet, and he says I have something better in mind. And I must say the most awesome answer to our prayer would be he has something better in mind. Because, and I know again people say I'm young. But last year I dated a guy, and when he broke up with me at a time I felt was the worst of my life, I prayed and prayed and begged God to bring us back together. I actually prayed that he would let me and this guy be together. But God had something better in mind for me. He brought somebody sooooo much better into my life. God did answer my prayer, God showed me that I can't always get the exact thing I want. But who cares? I mean everything God has given to me is perfect. He's given me a life that I feel like I don't deserve sometimes. He's given me love to share with others. He's given me the strength to stand tall and help others with their struggles and to let them know that he is there.
              God is truly remarkable, and there are no other words to describe how remarkable he is. The things he does in your life when you don't even realize it. The times you look back and you realize that he was with you the whole time, you just never opened your heart to him to let him come through.




      Thank you Lord for all the remarkable things you do and have done in my life. Thank you for the people you brought into my life, who have been there for me through thick and thin. I pray for others that haven't found you yet but hopefully someday will. And that they will know you, and they will forever be your children Lord. We are all your children and I know you love each and every one of us the same way. You gave up your son for us that we shall not perish but have eternal life with you in heaven Lord. I pray for others struggles, and others needs that you will show yourself to them and help them to get the strength and the courage to push through. Thank you Lord. Amen. 
 

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Thursday

Dear Readers/ a very good friend of mine who's been waiting for a blog post :),
    Alright I will tell you all about my past week and other such days that I have missed telling you. Well Last Friday was the first day of spring break! Woohoo spring break! I have to admit that spring break is my favorite break. I mean sure for winter break you get like an extra week outa school, but spring break the weather is nice it's relaxing and it rocks. So my first day off of school my dad got to get off work as well. It was great we spent the entire day shopping and exploring the new target together. I had such a great day with him. It's also the same day Brett left for vacation. I really miss him right now but this weekend he comes back so that rocks! Also soon I have a very nice surprise for him :). I said that just to tease him ha,ha. On Saturday my dad was off again. In the morning we went and did laundry together and since it was a nice day out I said we should go get some icecream. Or maybe that was Friday I'm not sure. But anyway Friday and Saturday were shopping/spending time with my dad days. On Sunday it was Easter of course!! Yay! Jesus rocks!! :) The day he was ressurected and we were forgiven for our sins and have a way into heaven. Without Jesus we wouldn't go to heaven when we die, so I'm extremely thankful for him<3. It was a good day at church, I loved the inspirational message our new pastor gave. He really is an awesome speaker! After church we got back home and had a nice easter meal with my brother. Then the girls got to open gifts and search for eggs. It was super sweet hearing my youngest sister claire talk about Jesus and how he died for us. I am so proud of how my sisters are growing up, and learning more about God. It just warms my heart :). Alright so that was Sunday, and at the end of Sunday I was sad Journey and Claire had to leave but I get to see them again to so I am happy thinking about that. Monday was kind of boring. All I did pretty much was watch movies and relax all day. Because I slept in until 2 in the afternoon though the day went by pretty fast. Tuesday I hung out with a couple people and I had my own little dance party. It was nothing much, just disco dancing/dancing really hyperly haha. It was a lot of fun!! On Wed. life got more boring I couldn't wait for the day to end because I wanted to hang out with my grandpa. So that was Wed. not much to tell ha,ha. Alright on with today. Today is Thursday and I am still at my grandpa's house but him and my brother are talking right now and I decided to check my gmail and write a blog real quick. Well last night was the worst sleep I have ever gotten. I got 2 hours of sleep, it sucked because every little noise there was kept me awake. Mainly my dad's snoring though, it seemed like it was louded then usual last night and I couldn't fall asleep. I ended up finally getting to sleep but I woke up at like 6 because I started hearing my dad getting ready for work. It's just not my night I guess ha,ha. The morning went by pretty quickly and before I knew it my grandpa came over. It was a ton of fun, we went to the new riverfront museum we have in downtown. After the museum we went to Mr. Gs to eat which is an awesome restaurant :). Later on we went and got some icecream. It was delicious!! Once we got back home my brother came over. It felt like old times again because we went to the courts and played some basketball. Afterwards he took me home and that was my week you missed :) goodnight!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

March 24 2013

Dear readers,
       I don't really know where I last left off so I guess I will tell you all I can remember about the past week or so. Right now Brett and I have this deal going on where if I write a blog he will tell me more of a story :). Last Monday I woke up nice and early for school so I got to go online and talk to Brett for a little bit. It's always a great way to start my day getting to talk to him and say good morning. In first hour I started drawing a stick figure picture all of the memories Brett and I have had. I got a pass to go to the office and a lady there gave me a letter with a tshirt saying that somebody noticed how hard I have been working and decided to reward me by buying a shirt. It was really nice of whoever it was, but I felt kind of bad about it because I wanted to say thank you. So as a thank you instead the next day I wore it. At the end of school I came home and got online to talk to Brett again, and it was awesome because he told me he could come over and hang out for a bit. So he came and we watched a movie together and talked and stuff till he had to leave. Tuesday I was super tired the entire day and not much really happened. Wednesday I had a pretty good day at school and I've been getting a ton of extra help from teachers and stuff on homework. After school since I haven't gone to youth group in a long time I wanted to, but my dad had to work late so I went through all the contacts in my phone and finally got ahold of somebody who could come and get me. I was so thankful that I got to go, because it was a lot of fun and I missed everyone. Thursday I have no idea what happened, except that I went to school and learned. Friday was a little more interesting. We watched movies and stuff for like 3 class periods then we had an assembly. I usually sit by my friend Celeste which I decided will be the last time I will ever do so... stuff she talked about made me feel super awkward and I was mad when I got my pants pulled down. Yes, standing up she grabbed my belt and my pants dropped... talk about embarrassing moments. The rest of my classes we watched movies and stuff to so it was pretty much an easy day for me. Which that never happens at Limestone, usually they work us till we pass out haha. Anyway after school I went prom dress shopping with my dad. Let me just say that if your gonna go shopping for a dress make sure you go with another woman... the entire time he wouldn't look at the dress he focused on the price... he even kept telling me how prom isn't even important at all and i shouldn't even go. I was so mad by the end of the night I decided to adopt a mom lol. Saturday (yesterday) was the most wonderful day in the entire year so far. Brett came over at around 9 a.m and we hung out for awhile. It was so much fun just talking to him, then we started messing with my stuffed animals and a guitar with 4 strings left on it. Which Brett would say I broke it... but don't listen to him x) ha,ha. My dad asked if we were ever gonna leave because our original plans were to go to the riverfront museum and stuff but sense it was so nice out we just went to little ceasars and bought a pizza then went down to the riverfront to walk. It was so much fun, and super relaxing. I always used to walk down to the riverfront and just enjoy the sky and the breeze and think about things and having him there to walk with me and talk I had fun :). After the walk we went back to my place and took pictures together and talked about memories we've had so far and when we first met each other. It was so sweet, after a bit he had to leave though and so we hugged and stuff. It was super hard to let him go after such a really fun day but I knew I was going to see him in the morning so I wasn't too sad. I think after our day of hanging out yesterday we became a lot closer to each other which is awesome, I couldn't ask for a  better guy in my life :). I talked to him on facebook till about 12 last night. I couldn't stop thinking about it, so it took forever to get to bed haha. And One thing I really love about him is I have this giant fear of ladybugs (please don't ask why) but he's the only one who didn't laugh at me or make fun of me for it :) instead he'd been trying to help me get over it. Anyway this morning I woke up a little late so we ended up missing youth group, but at the church I talked to my friend Paige and then I saw Brett again. It was a ton of fun :). I kept passing notes with paige and brett and journey the whole time, don't worry thought I stilled payed attention to what the pastor was talking about. I am able to multitask haha. After church I had to go unfortunetly and so Brett and I hugged goodbye and here I am on the computer talking to him again, listening to some scottish music, and writing a blog :). have a good week everyone!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I'm sorry

Dear Readers,
    It has been almost a month since I last wrote a blog and told you all about what was going on with my life. I have no excuse for it, but to say that lately I have just been  caught up in life and doing my own thing that I didn't feel it was necessary to write a blog telling you all about my life, but instead I should write things to make you happy or smile. Anyway because of a little birdy (Brett) always wanting me and bugging me to write a blog I am now going to tell you about my life in the past month. Or at least the parts that I remember. I can't really tell you a day to day basis though, because I suck with timing and I wouldn't ever be able to tell you everything on one blog. But, I will try my best to tell you how life has been. So a few weeks ago/ a month I ended it with Brett. I told him that I just wanted to be friends so I could think about things for a little while and focus on life and school. But also, another reason I wanted to be friends for a little bit was because I had so many guys that were trying to get with me I thought it was unfair to him. The tale is true YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH A GUY!!!! Maybe you can when your older, but high school years it's impossible! They start to feel like they love you, and your the one for them and stuff it's terrible!! I have so many friends and most of them are guys because I haven't really found a good girl friend cept Daphnee. Anyway they all ended up telling me they liked me and I was the one for them. I tried and tried to tell nicely that I wasn't into them like that but they wouldn't give up. Eventually I had to lose them as friends because it was driving me crazy. I had a breaking part and told them all just to leave me alone. It worked that time, I guess you do have to be mean sometimes just to get a point across. Anyway, I became closer friends with my friend Tyler (who I am now trying to hook him up with a girl), and closer friends with other people. I learned my lesson though, which is awesome that now I don't have many guy friends I mostly hang out with girls :). It's way better to be friends with the same sex as you because your parents won't complain if they come over all the time or whenever. Plus you can talk about things like boys and the latest school gossip :). ha,ha. Anyway I got some sad news that Daphnee is going to be moving soon.... I was super torn up about it but lately we haven't been hanging out and I've been getting used to the thought of her being gone. Plus my life won't be over, we still have facebook and skype to talk to each other by.
         So the first weekend of this month I did a ton of thinking, and I mean a TON. I thought about life in general, guys, family, past stuff, my future. I thought a lot. What helped my thinking was Brett coming over the Saturday and Sunday to hang out with me. It was a lot of fun. By the end of the weekend I decided a couple things 1. The past is past I can't change it time to move on. 2. To stop complaining about my father and the things he does wrong and to accept them and just to be there for him 3. I couldn't ask for anything better then what I have already, and 4. that the one guy who's right for me and I know will always be there is Brett. I thought a lot about it and what it would be like to go out with him. I thought of last summer how I met him at camp and then the square dance how much fun it was. He is so silly like I am, his sense of humor is just like mine, and he's creative, and altogether just a ton of fun to be around. Not to mention he is GREAT with children. Journey and Claire love him :) and my dad says he's a pretty good guy. So now here I am going out with Brett again!! :). Before my feelings were all over the place like one moment I would really like him and stuff then I'd say he isn't the one for me, but the past month I know in my heart he's perfect for me. On Tuesday he came over to hang out for a bit. It was a ton of fun, we ended up going hiking and finding pieces to a car. We now have decided that this summer or whenever it gets warmer out were gonna go around finding more pieces and make our own little car. Thinking about making a mustang go kart or something. It'll take a bit of work though ha,ha. Also on our hike it started to snow. It wasn't too cold though and it was still a lot of fun. By the end of the hike my jeans were covered in water, because of the puddle I stepped in. Also, lately I've gotten to be really good friends with Melody. I talked to her about our differences and it's sorta funny that we both thought we hated the other one. But now we are talking and stuff again. And soon I'm gonna start to get flute lessons so I can join marching band next year!! It's going to be a lot of fun!! That's about all I have for now. But I will be back on here again :). Have a good day everyone!!