Friday, January 17, 2014

I'm back!! and maybe not for good (;

I haven't done a blog in a few months I know I know... so much has been going on in life that I just sorta gave up writing it. I haven't found the time or the urge to really sit down and type stuff for everyone to read... to catch you up.. well it's too personal to tell to be honest. Life's been hard... extremely hard.. thought things would be better but now it's back to being tough. Emotions all over the place, not knowing what to do with my feelings... If you don't mind though... I may start to tell you my feelings. I'll open up more about whats in my heart. Hope I don't scare anyone off.... I know usually all people want to hear is the positive, they wanna hear the good, once a person starts talking negative people get uninterested or think their just complaining about their life a lot. This isn't that I'm complaining so please don't think that... I'm just opening up and hopefully it'll help my heart to sorta heal...

     To start off I've been feeling very depressed lately... my aunt and counselor just tell me that I'm missing some kind of nutrition or something and that it's not really depression... apparently they've never had it before. Thoughts of ending it all, feelings of sadness,loneliness, and despair. I feel like I'm nothing to my family anymore... I was honest and now it seems they all want nothing to do with me. I feel so alone and heck I feel like I shouldn't even be apart of this family anymore... the only thing i've been looking forward to anymore is the thought of someday I'm gonna have a family of my own. I'll make sure to treat my children with the love and care they need... I have two younger sisters I already act like I'm their mom. I just love helping other people... I don't like to be helped or help myself because it makes me feel selfish... I wanna help other people and for them to be happy.

    Why is life so hard?? I just... I sometimes look to my future and I can't see anything. I am scared I'm not going to graduate or get good enough grades, I'm scared I won't get a job or do good in college. I'm scared to see what my future holds... I'm scared of life in general.. maybe that's why I just wish I could end it.. I'm so scared that I just wanna take my life so I won't have to deal with whatever it does hold..

   I'll try to get back on tomorrow... sorry I haven't been on awhile and sorry for my rambling of stuff that probably means nothing to anybody... goodnight everyone.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

I look at the world and the first thought that comes to my mind is..crap there are a ton of people. I mean really you look at earth like on a little map and stuff and really it doesn't seem that big; but then you think about how many people there are and you wonder how are we fitting? The amazing thing about it is God created each and every one of us to be different. Sure there are people who like the same thing but if you were to actually see what's inside their hearts and their minds we are different. We think different things, we act different ways, we love different things then the average bear. (Just watched a yogi bear commercial). I mean his work is glorious.
    The thing that gets me most is how is God watching over each and every one of us? I mean there are TONS of people but he's doing it. He does watch over us all, he's there for us whether we want him to be or not whether we need him or not. God's looking out for us and he wants us to draw near to him. Growing up I think if I didn't have Christ in my life where would I be? When I ask that so many things pop into my head, but then I turn my thoughts over and I think wow I am one heck of a lucky girl to have the Lord in my life. Because through everything I've been through it's God who's been there for me through it all. I lost a ton of friends growing up and a few family members, but not God. Even when I felt like I didn't deserve him in my life, even when I turned against him and I blamed him for everything bad that happens to me. I look to the Lord and I thank him. I thank him for being my best friend and for everything he does. I thank him for this life he has given me, this life that he chose for me. The person he is making me to be.
     God softened my heart and he made me open my eyes and look at the world in a whole different way. I used to think that everybody was cruel, I couldn't trust a soul, the only thing that would ever happen to me is I'd end up being on the streets as some low life bum begging others for their money. I know I know I'm only 16 and that could still happen (just kidding). But I am making my life the way I want it to be and how God wants it to be. If I never found Christ I wouldn't have met all the wonderful amazing people that are in my life now. He has fulfilled me, given me joy, given me peace, and he has given me the love and the heart to open up to everyone else around me in hopes that more people will accept him into their hearts.
   I found the Lord when I was 6 years old. At the time I didn't know much about who he was really. All I know was that he created me and gave his son up for me so I could go to heaven someday. Getting older and just a little wiser I learned more and more about him, and how he helps people. All it really takes is prayer. Prayer to ask him into your heart, prayer for forgiveness. Prayer is our way to talk to the Lord about our problems and about our struggles. We can talk to him about just every day things for example: This is such beautiful weather Lord, or where did my dog run off to this time God? He does answer your prayers, it may not be at the time you want but it's at the time God wants and he feels is right. You just have to patient and know God has a plan for you and he will answer your prayers but you must wait. God answers our prayers in three different ways: he says yes and gives you what you want, he says not yet, and he says I have something better in mind. And I must say the most awesome answer to our prayer would be he has something better in mind. Because, and I know again people say I'm young. But last year I dated a guy, and when he broke up with me at a time I felt was the worst of my life, I prayed and prayed and begged God to bring us back together. I actually prayed that he would let me and this guy be together. But God had something better in mind for me. He brought somebody sooooo much better into my life. God did answer my prayer, God showed me that I can't always get the exact thing I want. But who cares? I mean everything God has given to me is perfect. He's given me a life that I feel like I don't deserve sometimes. He's given me love to share with others. He's given me the strength to stand tall and help others with their struggles and to let them know that he is there.
              God is truly remarkable, and there are no other words to describe how remarkable he is. The things he does in your life when you don't even realize it. The times you look back and you realize that he was with you the whole time, you just never opened your heart to him to let him come through.




      Thank you Lord for all the remarkable things you do and have done in my life. Thank you for the people you brought into my life, who have been there for me through thick and thin. I pray for others that haven't found you yet but hopefully someday will. And that they will know you, and they will forever be your children Lord. We are all your children and I know you love each and every one of us the same way. You gave up your son for us that we shall not perish but have eternal life with you in heaven Lord. I pray for others struggles, and others needs that you will show yourself to them and help them to get the strength and the courage to push through. Thank you Lord. Amen. 
 

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Thursday

Dear Readers/ a very good friend of mine who's been waiting for a blog post :),
    Alright I will tell you all about my past week and other such days that I have missed telling you. Well Last Friday was the first day of spring break! Woohoo spring break! I have to admit that spring break is my favorite break. I mean sure for winter break you get like an extra week outa school, but spring break the weather is nice it's relaxing and it rocks. So my first day off of school my dad got to get off work as well. It was great we spent the entire day shopping and exploring the new target together. I had such a great day with him. It's also the same day Brett left for vacation. I really miss him right now but this weekend he comes back so that rocks! Also soon I have a very nice surprise for him :). I said that just to tease him ha,ha. On Saturday my dad was off again. In the morning we went and did laundry together and since it was a nice day out I said we should go get some icecream. Or maybe that was Friday I'm not sure. But anyway Friday and Saturday were shopping/spending time with my dad days. On Sunday it was Easter of course!! Yay! Jesus rocks!! :) The day he was ressurected and we were forgiven for our sins and have a way into heaven. Without Jesus we wouldn't go to heaven when we die, so I'm extremely thankful for him<3. It was a good day at church, I loved the inspirational message our new pastor gave. He really is an awesome speaker! After church we got back home and had a nice easter meal with my brother. Then the girls got to open gifts and search for eggs. It was super sweet hearing my youngest sister claire talk about Jesus and how he died for us. I am so proud of how my sisters are growing up, and learning more about God. It just warms my heart :). Alright so that was Sunday, and at the end of Sunday I was sad Journey and Claire had to leave but I get to see them again to so I am happy thinking about that. Monday was kind of boring. All I did pretty much was watch movies and relax all day. Because I slept in until 2 in the afternoon though the day went by pretty fast. Tuesday I hung out with a couple people and I had my own little dance party. It was nothing much, just disco dancing/dancing really hyperly haha. It was a lot of fun!! On Wed. life got more boring I couldn't wait for the day to end because I wanted to hang out with my grandpa. So that was Wed. not much to tell ha,ha. Alright on with today. Today is Thursday and I am still at my grandpa's house but him and my brother are talking right now and I decided to check my gmail and write a blog real quick. Well last night was the worst sleep I have ever gotten. I got 2 hours of sleep, it sucked because every little noise there was kept me awake. Mainly my dad's snoring though, it seemed like it was louded then usual last night and I couldn't fall asleep. I ended up finally getting to sleep but I woke up at like 6 because I started hearing my dad getting ready for work. It's just not my night I guess ha,ha. The morning went by pretty quickly and before I knew it my grandpa came over. It was a ton of fun, we went to the new riverfront museum we have in downtown. After the museum we went to Mr. Gs to eat which is an awesome restaurant :). Later on we went and got some icecream. It was delicious!! Once we got back home my brother came over. It felt like old times again because we went to the courts and played some basketball. Afterwards he took me home and that was my week you missed :) goodnight!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

March 24 2013

Dear readers,
       I don't really know where I last left off so I guess I will tell you all I can remember about the past week or so. Right now Brett and I have this deal going on where if I write a blog he will tell me more of a story :). Last Monday I woke up nice and early for school so I got to go online and talk to Brett for a little bit. It's always a great way to start my day getting to talk to him and say good morning. In first hour I started drawing a stick figure picture all of the memories Brett and I have had. I got a pass to go to the office and a lady there gave me a letter with a tshirt saying that somebody noticed how hard I have been working and decided to reward me by buying a shirt. It was really nice of whoever it was, but I felt kind of bad about it because I wanted to say thank you. So as a thank you instead the next day I wore it. At the end of school I came home and got online to talk to Brett again, and it was awesome because he told me he could come over and hang out for a bit. So he came and we watched a movie together and talked and stuff till he had to leave. Tuesday I was super tired the entire day and not much really happened. Wednesday I had a pretty good day at school and I've been getting a ton of extra help from teachers and stuff on homework. After school since I haven't gone to youth group in a long time I wanted to, but my dad had to work late so I went through all the contacts in my phone and finally got ahold of somebody who could come and get me. I was so thankful that I got to go, because it was a lot of fun and I missed everyone. Thursday I have no idea what happened, except that I went to school and learned. Friday was a little more interesting. We watched movies and stuff for like 3 class periods then we had an assembly. I usually sit by my friend Celeste which I decided will be the last time I will ever do so... stuff she talked about made me feel super awkward and I was mad when I got my pants pulled down. Yes, standing up she grabbed my belt and my pants dropped... talk about embarrassing moments. The rest of my classes we watched movies and stuff to so it was pretty much an easy day for me. Which that never happens at Limestone, usually they work us till we pass out haha. Anyway after school I went prom dress shopping with my dad. Let me just say that if your gonna go shopping for a dress make sure you go with another woman... the entire time he wouldn't look at the dress he focused on the price... he even kept telling me how prom isn't even important at all and i shouldn't even go. I was so mad by the end of the night I decided to adopt a mom lol. Saturday (yesterday) was the most wonderful day in the entire year so far. Brett came over at around 9 a.m and we hung out for awhile. It was so much fun just talking to him, then we started messing with my stuffed animals and a guitar with 4 strings left on it. Which Brett would say I broke it... but don't listen to him x) ha,ha. My dad asked if we were ever gonna leave because our original plans were to go to the riverfront museum and stuff but sense it was so nice out we just went to little ceasars and bought a pizza then went down to the riverfront to walk. It was so much fun, and super relaxing. I always used to walk down to the riverfront and just enjoy the sky and the breeze and think about things and having him there to walk with me and talk I had fun :). After the walk we went back to my place and took pictures together and talked about memories we've had so far and when we first met each other. It was so sweet, after a bit he had to leave though and so we hugged and stuff. It was super hard to let him go after such a really fun day but I knew I was going to see him in the morning so I wasn't too sad. I think after our day of hanging out yesterday we became a lot closer to each other which is awesome, I couldn't ask for a  better guy in my life :). I talked to him on facebook till about 12 last night. I couldn't stop thinking about it, so it took forever to get to bed haha. And One thing I really love about him is I have this giant fear of ladybugs (please don't ask why) but he's the only one who didn't laugh at me or make fun of me for it :) instead he'd been trying to help me get over it. Anyway this morning I woke up a little late so we ended up missing youth group, but at the church I talked to my friend Paige and then I saw Brett again. It was a ton of fun :). I kept passing notes with paige and brett and journey the whole time, don't worry thought I stilled payed attention to what the pastor was talking about. I am able to multitask haha. After church I had to go unfortunetly and so Brett and I hugged goodbye and here I am on the computer talking to him again, listening to some scottish music, and writing a blog :). have a good week everyone!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I'm sorry

Dear Readers,
    It has been almost a month since I last wrote a blog and told you all about what was going on with my life. I have no excuse for it, but to say that lately I have just been  caught up in life and doing my own thing that I didn't feel it was necessary to write a blog telling you all about my life, but instead I should write things to make you happy or smile. Anyway because of a little birdy (Brett) always wanting me and bugging me to write a blog I am now going to tell you about my life in the past month. Or at least the parts that I remember. I can't really tell you a day to day basis though, because I suck with timing and I wouldn't ever be able to tell you everything on one blog. But, I will try my best to tell you how life has been. So a few weeks ago/ a month I ended it with Brett. I told him that I just wanted to be friends so I could think about things for a little while and focus on life and school. But also, another reason I wanted to be friends for a little bit was because I had so many guys that were trying to get with me I thought it was unfair to him. The tale is true YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH A GUY!!!! Maybe you can when your older, but high school years it's impossible! They start to feel like they love you, and your the one for them and stuff it's terrible!! I have so many friends and most of them are guys because I haven't really found a good girl friend cept Daphnee. Anyway they all ended up telling me they liked me and I was the one for them. I tried and tried to tell nicely that I wasn't into them like that but they wouldn't give up. Eventually I had to lose them as friends because it was driving me crazy. I had a breaking part and told them all just to leave me alone. It worked that time, I guess you do have to be mean sometimes just to get a point across. Anyway, I became closer friends with my friend Tyler (who I am now trying to hook him up with a girl), and closer friends with other people. I learned my lesson though, which is awesome that now I don't have many guy friends I mostly hang out with girls :). It's way better to be friends with the same sex as you because your parents won't complain if they come over all the time or whenever. Plus you can talk about things like boys and the latest school gossip :). ha,ha. Anyway I got some sad news that Daphnee is going to be moving soon.... I was super torn up about it but lately we haven't been hanging out and I've been getting used to the thought of her being gone. Plus my life won't be over, we still have facebook and skype to talk to each other by.
         So the first weekend of this month I did a ton of thinking, and I mean a TON. I thought about life in general, guys, family, past stuff, my future. I thought a lot. What helped my thinking was Brett coming over the Saturday and Sunday to hang out with me. It was a lot of fun. By the end of the weekend I decided a couple things 1. The past is past I can't change it time to move on. 2. To stop complaining about my father and the things he does wrong and to accept them and just to be there for him 3. I couldn't ask for anything better then what I have already, and 4. that the one guy who's right for me and I know will always be there is Brett. I thought a lot about it and what it would be like to go out with him. I thought of last summer how I met him at camp and then the square dance how much fun it was. He is so silly like I am, his sense of humor is just like mine, and he's creative, and altogether just a ton of fun to be around. Not to mention he is GREAT with children. Journey and Claire love him :) and my dad says he's a pretty good guy. So now here I am going out with Brett again!! :). Before my feelings were all over the place like one moment I would really like him and stuff then I'd say he isn't the one for me, but the past month I know in my heart he's perfect for me. On Tuesday he came over to hang out for a bit. It was a ton of fun, we ended up going hiking and finding pieces to a car. We now have decided that this summer or whenever it gets warmer out were gonna go around finding more pieces and make our own little car. Thinking about making a mustang go kart or something. It'll take a bit of work though ha,ha. Also on our hike it started to snow. It wasn't too cold though and it was still a lot of fun. By the end of the hike my jeans were covered in water, because of the puddle I stepped in. Also, lately I've gotten to be really good friends with Melody. I talked to her about our differences and it's sorta funny that we both thought we hated the other one. But now we are talking and stuff again. And soon I'm gonna start to get flute lessons so I can join marching band next year!! It's going to be a lot of fun!! That's about all I have for now. But I will be back on here again :). Have a good day everyone!!

A crab story :)

There once was a . He was a very nice crab although his claws don't look so nice. He was walking alone one day day. Eventually he came across this nice looking . He thought to himself. hmmm I wonder who lives here. All of a sudden he started hearing somebody singing. There were other voices so he decided whoever it was was listening to the . Whoever it was she had a very nice voice. crab then decided to go back to his home grab his then sneak around her house to see if he could film her singing . If he could he would make a music video and put it on . Anyway crab went around to the back of the house and he saw the girl. she was so pretty that he turned lovestruck then and there . The girl saw him filming her and she started to cry . "Why are you filming me?! How long have you been there?" the poor little crab started to blush he didn't know she would notice him. He tried backing away but ended up stepping on a beehive . He started to cry himself because it stung so badly. The girl then walked over to him and asked if he was alright. He couldn't stop crying but said he would love to take her out for some . When he was able to get up and walk again they went out. They share a slice together. He told her she had such a beautiful voice he was only trying to make a video for her. She was so happy . By the time they got done eating it was nighttime. They decided to take a walk underneath the light. The crab saw a and gave it to her as a . The girl then gave the crab the biggest smooch of his life . They had the best day of their entire lives, and at the end of it they fell asleep together in the park while watching fireworks . The end :)