I haven't done a blog in a few months I know I know... so much has been going on in life that I just sorta gave up writing it. I haven't found the time or the urge to really sit down and type stuff for everyone to read... to catch you up.. well it's too personal to tell to be honest. Life's been hard... extremely hard.. thought things would be better but now it's back to being tough. Emotions all over the place, not knowing what to do with my feelings... If you don't mind though... I may start to tell you my feelings. I'll open up more about whats in my heart. Hope I don't scare anyone off.... I know usually all people want to hear is the positive, they wanna hear the good, once a person starts talking negative people get uninterested or think their just complaining about their life a lot. This isn't that I'm complaining so please don't think that... I'm just opening up and hopefully it'll help my heart to sorta heal...
To start off I've been feeling very depressed lately... my aunt and counselor just tell me that I'm missing some kind of nutrition or something and that it's not really depression... apparently they've never had it before. Thoughts of ending it all, feelings of sadness,loneliness, and despair. I feel like I'm nothing to my family anymore... I was honest and now it seems they all want nothing to do with me. I feel so alone and heck I feel like I shouldn't even be apart of this family anymore... the only thing i've been looking forward to anymore is the thought of someday I'm gonna have a family of my own. I'll make sure to treat my children with the love and care they need... I have two younger sisters I already act like I'm their mom. I just love helping other people... I don't like to be helped or help myself because it makes me feel selfish... I wanna help other people and for them to be happy.
Why is life so hard?? I just... I sometimes look to my future and I can't see anything. I am scared I'm not going to graduate or get good enough grades, I'm scared I won't get a job or do good in college. I'm scared to see what my future holds... I'm scared of life in general.. maybe that's why I just wish I could end it.. I'm so scared that I just wanna take my life so I won't have to deal with whatever it does hold..
I'll try to get back on tomorrow... sorry I haven't been on awhile and sorry for my rambling of stuff that probably means nothing to anybody... goodnight everyone.